I know this isn’t a setlist, but I did randomly come across this at a bar before a show. I can only imagine the conversation that led to this.
Man: I don’t think cats have tits.
Other Man: Yes they do.
Man: No, no. I think you’re wrong.
Other Man: Look, you got a pen, they look something like this. Although, I probably didn’t draw these to scale. But you get the idea.
Man: You learn something every day.
Editor’s Note: Sometimes I write angry letters about the people I encounter that I never send. This was recommended by a “professional” I used to see on a semi-regular basis.
Dear Guy At Four-Way Stop,
Me? OK, I’ll go.
No, oh, you want to go now.
OK, I see you’ve stopped again.
Now you want me to go?
Oh, see, there, it happened again. You keep telling me to go and yet you continue to give visual cues that it is you who wants to go.
Fuck it (I step on the gas, blast through the intersection and run over a rabbit).
Sir, I hope that rabbit doesn’t have children.
Editor’s Note: Sometimes I write angry letters about the people in my life that I never send. This was recommended by a “professional” I used to see on a semi-regular basis. This particular letter (about a real experience) came to mind after I read recently that an angry man drove his truck through a Taco Bell.
Dear Angry Man At Taco Bell:
We find ourselves here under very depressing circumstances. I have clearly diminished my finances to such a degree that 79-cent tacos are a considerable boon. Clearly you have never heard of condoms, so feeding your herd of four shirtless children somewhere that won’t considerably increase their chances of early onset diabetes must prove costly.
Mother isn’t here, and judging by that mustache I can assume that either you beat her until she moved away or that she is working the afternoon weekday shift at the Larry Flint dance parlor across the bridge.
So here we are together: I behind you in line and you dissatisfied with the amount of meat on your 79-cent taco.
I’m not sure if you realize that everyone can hear you. If you do know that, then I am impressed and applaud your obvious lack of shame as you scream: “I’m a man. This is a child’s serving of meat,” as you point to the depressing, seemingly colorless, recently purchased fast-food taco.
Yes, you did hear snickering at the back of the store. Yes, I’m almost certain that the minimum-wage earning high school graduate gnawing on her spearmint gum in a cartoonish manner is taking your taco criticism to heart. When she leaves this job and walks to Wendy’s for her second standing eight-hour shift of the day, I’m certain she’ll tell her Wendy’s co-workers what a valid and reasonably argued point you made about improper meat distribution.
In closing, please enjoy the spit in your new tacos — the ones with the right amount of meat (Yes, that also happened).
Comedian: Marcus Newstead
Location: O’Shay’s Pub
City: St. Louis, Mo.
Date: May 22, 2012
Comment: ”I saw Cypress Hill two nights before this show, which actually inspired me to write some new material.”
Editor’s Note: I assume he means the “drugs” joke.
Comedian: Derek Smith
Location: Um, some Lounge. Seven Ten Lounge maybe?
City: Chicago, Ill.
Date: Dec. 30, 2011
Comment: I spoke with Derek’s beard. It had no comment.
Editor’s Note: Derek owned a pair of sets in St. Louis earlier this year. He’s a great comic.